Grudges - Exploring Marriage Part 2

Silent tension

Grudges - Exploring Marriage Part 2

In the first part of this series, I discussed how we often select people and social media influences that reinforce our existing beliefs about our spouses. Today, I want to explore how holding grudges can undermine efforts to build a strong, connected relationship.

As my wife and I approach 40 years of marriage, we’ve had the chance to reflect on our past selves and recognize how our actions—both positive and negative—have shaped our relationship. At the time, we were utterly convinced our perspectives were correct. Friends or family often backed us up, and we spent considerable effort convincing ourselves we were being unfairly treated.

What Is a Grudge?

Merriam-Webster defines a grudge as “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.” Grudges can be specific, targeting anything from a spouse’s dishwashing habits, driving style, music or movie preferences, to more significant issues like lack of support, inattention, infidelity, or flirting.

I’m not referring to fleeting anger or occasional arguments. A grudge is lingering, growing resentment over perceived or real actions. It starts when you dwell on a situation, letting your anger fester. When a similar situation arises, it “confirms” your feelings, amplifying your frustration. The emotions tied to the original issue resurface, even if unwarranted. Grudges take root easily and, in my view, are like embers that can quietly destroy marriages.

What Does Scripture Say About Grudges?

Ephesians 4 says this:

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ESV

Colossians 3 follows up with:

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” ESV

But How?

It’s one thing to address minor annoyances, like a spouse not reacting as you’d prefer. But what about deeper issues—addictions, a workaholic spouse who’s rarely home, flirtatious behavior that crosses boundaries, or even an affair? How do you move past anger without simply excusing harmful behavior?

I was a workaholic myself. My wife was understandably angry as she scraped and painted our home’s exterior while homeschooling our four children and managing the household. She carried that resentment for some time.

Meanwhile, I harbored a grudge, feeling she didn’t appreciate how hard I worked to provide for our family.

Over the years, we each held grudges about various issues until we experienced what I call “Jesus moments”—times when we began having open, honest conversations with each other. We brought these matters to Jesus together and in our personal prayers, finding His balance and perspective.

Our grudges fueled unhealthy responses. Feeling unappreciated, I worked even more. Feeling unsupported, she shopped more. It became a vicious cycle. To outsiders, our family likely appeared close, but beneath the surface, hurt and anger simmered. Only Christ—and perhaps each other—saw the full extent of it.

I could attribute my behavior to genetics, claiming it’s just who I am, but I witnessed my father transform through a deeper relationship with Christ, proving genetics can yield to faith. I believe grudges arise from our sinful nature. I’ve seen this in our extended family—relatives estranged over long-held grudges—and in marriages, both broken and enduring, where bitterness and resentment run deep.

How Do We Overcome Grudges?

The feelings may be justified. I think of a friend who navigated marital infidelity, grappling with how to move forward. Some couples work through such pain; others cannot, as the past echoes too loudly. Both paths are difficult, and I don’t judge either.

Drawing from our experiences, friends’ insights, and books I’ve read, here are three key practices:

1.  Prayer – Together and Apart: A relationship with Christ is essential for overcoming anger, resentment, or bitterness. You need to pour those feelings onto someone who can empathize and redirect your heart. This requires giving Christ time to respond after you lay it all out.

2.  Journaling: As part of prayer, especially when processing intense emotions, journaling can be powerful. My wife and I wrote out our prayers for a season, openly sharing them with each other. We also listened for Christ’s response, which I’ll touch on more below.

3.  Regular Check-Ins: At any moment, my wife or I might ask, “How am I doing?” or “How are we doing?” This opens the door to discuss issues respectfully and assess whether we’re in a healthy place.

A Note on Boundaries

In cases of abuse or infidelity, forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring the offense. Clear boundaries are essential—sometimes requiring separation or divorce to protect against an unrepentant spouse’s continued harm. I’ve known couples who have worked through these issues, but it demands both partners fully commit to Christ, seek professional counseling, and intensely pursue healing together. One person cannot carry the burden for both.

How This Process Works for Us

When something bothers me in our relationship, I first take it to God. Often, as I pray or journal, the Holy Spirit often brings a memory of a time I’ve  disappointed my wife, like during my workaholic years. This reflection adds nuance to my perspective, and I thank God for the clarity. When I finally discuss the issue with her, I’ve usually processed my emotions enough to approach the conversation constructively, leading to a healthier outcome.

Grudges are easy to hold. I could stew for weeks, growing angrier until a blow-up creates new reasons for her to resent me. Instead, taking it to Jesus allows Him to guide the conversation and show me how to engage my wife humbly.

This process has helped us weather significant storms. We’ve both had seasons of disappointing each other. Relationships are hard because, by nature, we’re selfish. As I noted in part one, when we’re hurt, we crave validation. But unchecked validation can fuel bitterness if not balanced with questions that provide context.

What happens if we Ignore  the problem?

Many marriages languish for decades in “emotional poverty,” missing the genuine oneness God intends, because they both  forget the deep love they once shared. Each disappointment adds another layer to a crust of judgment and anger—what I call holding a grudge. Instead of addressing it, they bury these feelings, projecting an image of unity for their children or church community while missing the chance to come before Christ and embrace the true oneness He desires.

A Final Caution

For those facing genuine abuse, do not question or push victims to “work it out.” Their safety—and their children’s safety—comes first. Abuse victims often already feel conditioned to empathize with their spouse. They need courage to leave, not pressure to stay.

I hope this resonates and provides food for thought as you work to improve on your own marriage relationship.