“Men will be drawn back into family life only when they are convinced that being a good husband and father is a manly thing to do. That parental duty and sacrifice are masculine virtues. That marital love and fidelity are not female standards imposed on men externally but an integral part of the male character. Something inherent and original, created by God.”
- Nancy Pearcey
Before I started writing publicly a couple of years ago, I opened up a couple of social media accounts. I had Facebook and Instagram but had whittled down my friend group to family and close friends for a number of years so my feed was pretty narrow in terms of exposure to the culture… other than news and You Tube. In 2020 when I started to open accounts with Reddit, Twitter and eventually TikTok I was quickly educated with trending Christian and secular "big issues". I was shocked to see the vitriol on almost every subject.
One of the things I've been most surprised about has been the way that men treat women online. There is a large group of what is called "Red Pill" "Manosphere" men that have come to believe that it is their role to subjugate and diminish women wherever they have a platform. I can't repeat the words that these so called men use to troll their targets here. A number of these online “Macho Men” appear to be Christians, often referring to verses about women being silent and somehow subservient to men. My article here is partially in response to these men but also more generally to men in the Church altogether.
The last several months I've written several articles on women in ministry that came from significant Biblical study that was inspired at least partly , in response to the "crazy" I've seen from such keyboard warriors. Certainly, having three daughters has influenced my drive on this subject. When I've posted on this topic previously I seem to regularly get accusations of being a simp, a feminist or apostate. There are often expletives mixed in with those labels.
What does masculinity look like from a Biblical perspective? What is man’s role? What does God expect of men in the context of marriage, family and public behavior? Whenever I've shared my views on some Christians play the world’s game of identity politics. "You are an Egalitarian" or "You are a Complimentarian". They must place me in a particular category. I think labels are horribly destructive, shutting down honest dialogue and discussion on this subject.
If you ask me about hierarchy I refuse to engage the discussion.. It’s not a biblical discussion… unless you hyper fixate on a couple of out of context “cherry picked” verses from some of Paul’s letters.
When Jesus was approached by James and John about which of them would be on the right hand of Jesus in his kingdom Jesus immediately redirected them to think correctly. Here is the passage from Mark 10:
“James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” And he said to them, “What is it you want me to do for you?” And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.” But Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?” They replied, “We are able.” Then Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink; and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.” When the ten heard this, they began to be angry with James and John. So Jesus called them and said to them, “You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers Lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them. But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all. For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.””
Notice here that James and John wanted to have a discussion with Jesus on Hierarchy but Jesus would not bite. He wanted to redirect them because they were having the wrong debate. James and John wanted AFFIRMATION of their POSITION in the leadership pecking order. Not only did Jesus refuse to engage this conversation but he led them carefully to the discussion he wanted them to have about Kingdom leadership… finally saying that leadership in HIS Kingdom was not going to look like the hierarchical leadership of culture. Jesus ends his coaching moment with the disciples by saying "The Son of Man came NOT to be Served but to Serve, and GIVE HIS LIFE AS A RANSOM FOR MANY". I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been for the disciples to have heard this for the first time here. It was as counter-cultural then as it is today… but James and John had never heard this before.
What I find most interesting in this text however is its context. James and John brought up hierarchy almost right after Jesus talked about his imminent death. Much like today, Jesus was telling a story of sacrificial love while they were still stuck in a “position and power” state of mind.
Here is the text (NASB):
“Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be delivered to the chief priests and the scribes; and they will condemn Him to death and will hand Him over to the Gentiles. They will mock Him and spit on Him, and scourge Him and kill Him, and three days later He will rise again.”
The Manosphere can't handle this. They balk… saying that men who would lead in servant leadership are wimpy. When they speak in this way I ask them "Was Jesus a wimp?"… to which they spout off their favorite two or three verses they pulled out of context and get almost comically angry. Unfortunately there are several high profile "teachers" who are coaching this kind of leadership. I watched one interaction with a new Christian and her husband where the so called leader said to the husband "get your woman in line". Such leaders are less than men… they act like ravenous wolves jockeying for power and pack dominion.
The passage above, also found in Matthew 20 is not the only place that Jesus displayed his image of Godly leadership. He lived this… with examples and teaching on servant leadership in Luke 22 and again in John 13 where Jesus washed the disciples feet. In Mark 9 Jesus says "Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the SERVANT of all".
I can hear the rattling of the red pill men now… chomping at the bit. They MUST defend their authority! I must be put in my place! A label must be placed on my forehead… "He's a feminist" they will cry… "Simp"… or perhaps some vulgar name. I consider all of that a badge of honor! "Women must be silent", "Women must obey men", its "God's hierarchy"… I've heard it all. They are storing up judgement for themselves for every utterance - not against me but against women who are equally created in Gods image.
The argument should not be who is in charge… it should be a competition to serve each other and Christ. Men… you aren’t called to lead by being the boss! You are called to lead by dying to self… by being a servant to Christ and your wife. She likewise is called to serve you and Christ. The leadership Christ has placed on you is one that reflects how Christ loves the Church. Let’s power through some verses here:
Ephesians 5:25 NRSV
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
Ephesians 5:28 NIV
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1 Peter 3:7 NIV
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
(Note that weaker here is referring to physical strength - not mentally. For more on this topic reference my other posts on women in ministry)
Colossians 3:19 NIV
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
Men are called to lead… to manage themselves and their family as Christ would. Gentle, kind, lifting them up, encouraging them, cheering them on! A man who lives in this way would be easy to submit to because he acts as a partner and a leader in Servanthood.
He is modelling Christ.
Hierarchy is the WRONG discussion to have. This is not a feminist debate… as soon as we turn to position we ALL lose.
Men… live full out for Jesus! Leave nothing on the table. It took me 32 years of marriage to learn that my leadership was nothing if it was not serving my wife and family. Once I grasped this… I began to change.
Since that time I’ve made something like 2000 cups of coffee for her before I left for work. In a sense I’ve beat my own body into servant leadership. I’ve learned to offer the occasional foot rub. I’ve learned to be a part of the team in the home and away from home, to be engaged, to be present.
I’ve learned to encourage her to express her ideas and value her opinions. I’ve learned to lift her up both in public and private. I consider her more than an equal, she is more than a partner. She is deeply valued by Christ and her well being is being entrusted to me. I had a wrong idea about manly leadership… and I didn’t realize that wrong idea was sometimes hurting the person I loved most.
Guess what happens when you start serving someone who genuinely loves you? You get served back… She likewise is kind to me, she respects me, she shows love through random acts of kindness. She lifts me up… it is reciprocated and I feel valued in ways I did not before I came to realize that I had no position of authority… I had a position of responsibility to honour and cherish this amazing person I get to do life with. I don’t want to dishonour Christ by not being her greatest fan and encourager.
Hold on…
Jesus did so much for me… he loved me with compassion when I was feeling down and worthless. He showed me kindness. He lifted me up even when I failed… and in response I give my life to him.
When men understand how marriage is a mutual submission to each other and Christ it will revolutionize Christian marriages!
Men… start the revolution!
If you are a red pill man… repent!
If you have diminished, demeaned or tried to break a woman into submission with either words or actions… Repent!
Seek Christ while he may be found!
Your prayers are worthless unless you treat women - and especially your wife with anything less than servant leadership as modelled by Christ!
Lay down your authority!
Man may have been created first but every single man on this planet came into this world through a woman. Show her respect and give her the honour she deserves!
Man up!
Galatians 3:28 ESV
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. NIV There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
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